People Are Boring

I guess I'm a typical guy. Approaching my thirties, I find myself single and doubtful of ever finding a mate for life. It's not that I have a fear of commitment; I'm not afraid of anything, I just find people boring. I go to work every day and I do my job. I don't really think about much outside of pressing buttons all-day and staring at my new flat screen monitor since the old one gave me headaches.
Sometimes if the weather's nice I'll have lunch in the park, and check out all the women who walk by in their short skirts and open blouses. But it's the dead of winter. Snow is falling, the sidewalks are covered with salt and slush and I struggle to escape the protective cover of my heavy down comforter every morning. So, at this time of year I have my meals delivered. I don't mind giving a couple bucks the poor sap who has to bring me my food in this shit weather. He's doing me a favor, and he's busting his ass in the snow so that spoiled yuppies like me can sit in a cozy office, sip coffee and stare out the window until six-o-clock.
When I get home, I put on the television and watch the news or a movie on HBO. I don't keep food in the house, so I'll either pick up dinner on the way or have it delivered. A few days a week I'll even pop open a brew. And, if I'm feeling tense, I'll pop in an adult DVD that I get from my rental-by-mail service and work one out on the couch. That's about it. I live alone so there's no one to tell me not to beat off in the living room, there's no one asking how my day went and there's no one nagging me or keeping me up at night because of their snoring and rolling around.
Sure, I've got friends and I get laid. But who has time to hang out, or waste a day away in bed? I certainly don't have time for that. If I have sex, I really don't enjoy it unless it's someone completely new, and after I blow my first load, I want nothing other than to leave, or have her leave. I like my alone time, and sex is just a higher form of masturbation for me. And like masturbating, I want it to be done and over with quickly so I can get on with my sleep or my hobbies.
Recently I've acquired the taste for adult movies. I found a rental website online by accident while surfing for free porn. It was a godsend. For the price of a few beers, I get a handful of porn every month without fail. The DVDs are sent by mail and I get them at my house. I watch, I spank a hefty load and when I'm done, I pop the movie in the mail and a few days later another one arrives.
Work, sleep, TV and masturbation are my best friends. Work pays the bills, sleep clears my head of all the garbage that my job fills it with, TV gives me time to relax, and masturbation lets me take care of my biological needs as a man. Combining two of these things - TV and masturbation, by way of sex videos - what more can one ask for? Talk about efficiency!